Grief Shadow
by Gael Grimm
Summary: Taarna Hawke has had to be many things in her life; daughter, sister, warrior, lover. Though it seems that through it all and even now grief is and has been something that doesn't hesitate to find her. One shot of collected conversations between Fem. Hawke and her mage lover, Anders. Rated T for language and violence.


_**Hello! I don't own DA2 or any of the characters or places mentioned here in. Like every other story I hope you enjoy this and please review.  
**_

The Estate was black around Hawke as she sat on her bed and stared in to the coals that smoldered in the fireplace. The silence in the room was only interrupted by the pops of those coals and the whimpers of Adair, her mabari, as he slept on the bed behind her. From downstairs she heard Varric and the others leave; they had taken to playing cards in her parlor since she stopped going to The Hanged Man after her mother's death. Tonight had been a rough night and she had excused herself from the game early due to her mental distractions; she had been down five soverigns and left before Varric or Isabella could take anymore of her money. Even now, in the solitude of her bedroom, she still thought she could smell her mother's perfume or once in a while she thought she could hear Leandra say her name. She sighed and placed her head in her hands wondering if the grief would ever be less taxing on her mind.

The bedroom door opened and Orana entered, "Would you like anything Mistress or may I go to bed?" She asked diminutive.

"I'm fine Orana, you go ahead to bed." Hawke said before the servant bowed and left. Hawke had lied to the girl though, she was not fine, she was shaken by phantom sounds and exhausted from a day of running all over Sundermount for Merrill and the Dalish Keeper...she was so tired she could not fall asleep. There was another knock on her door but, unlike Orana, this visitor did not let themselves in. With a great amount of effort she stood from the bed and Adair lifted his head alert as his mistress had moved for the first time in over an hour. When she opened the door Anders stood on the other side.

"How are you doing dear?" His face was soft and the dark sections below his eyes told her he had not been sleeping well either.

"I'm fine." Hawke lied again managing a weak smile this time.

"Please don't lie to me love, I'm here to help you. I can't imagine what you're going through, I went my whole life without a family. What I can do is be there for you."

Hawke left the door and returned to her previous spot on the bed. Anders followed shutting the door behind him and crouching on the floor between her knees. "Talk to me love, let me help you carry this burden as you've helped me."

"Anders," she paused for a moment thinking of a way to word what she wanted to say without upsetting him, "I envy you and Fenris." She sighed before clarifying. "You both offer your sympathy but neither of you realize how hard it is to lose someone you remember, someone you've known your entire life." Anders nodded and she patted the bed beside her, if she didn't he would crouch there until he fell over.

"I can't say as I like the comparison," Anders said sitting next to her, but I understand. I haven't felt exactly this but I never had a family so I can help you get used to living alone, either that or move in so you're not alone." He meant the last as a joke but the idea he would do just that if she asked made her feel a little bit better. "Whatever you decide," Anders put his arm around her, "you'll never be alone 'cause you'll have me." he kissed her temple and she put her head on his shoulder.

"Thank you Anders, you're good at this you know." Hawke said smiling up at him.

"Anything for you Messere," he said smiling. "You need sleep, I will see you tomorrow." He stood and left her to sleep.

Smiling herself Hawke dressed for bed finally feeling like she could sleep the night through. Lifting the covers for Adair she doused the only light in the room and crawled into bed. For the first time since she had lost her mother she slept fitfully.

The Clinic was quiet that day, fewer people arrived since Meredith had begun her bloody campaign against the mages, good or bad. Hawke rolled her fathers staff in her hands; the metal shaft made a clinking sound as it connected with the Ring of Study she wore. Looking at the dirt floor she lifted her head to examine the staffs headpiece and wondered again if she was doing the right thing. The staff had been her's for almost ten years now and she hoped her father would support what she was about to do. From across the room the child's whimpers stopped and there were happy sighs from the girls parents; turning her attention to to them she watched them speak to Anders in hushed words before the father scooped the sleeping girl up and pressed a silver into Anders' hand. Anders watched the man turn and walk out, thought for a moment then caught the girls mother by the arm and returned the coin. With tears in her eyes the woman protested but Anders gave her a serious look and his charm won out leaving the girl's mother to simply hug him and speed out to catch up with her family. Hawke was sure then that her father would approve. Still watching she saw as Anders half slump against one of the rooms support pillars. Hawke came to her feet, leaving the staff on the cot, and rushed over to to aid Anders in moving to a seat.

"Are you unwell?"

"No, just spent." He replied lifting a hand to his face. "To much channeling been tiring of late. I am unsure but I believe it may be because I haven't been sleeping well."

"Don't tell me things like that or I may have to lock you away for your own safety." Hawke jested smiling at him.

"As I've told you before, love; no one is locking me up again, not even you." He chided, turning his weary eyes to look at her.

"I have something for you." She said retrieving the staff from where she left it.

Anders examined the staff with an open appreciation for it's craftsmanship. "Oh Taarna...oh darling it's beautiful. This must have cost a fortune." He said in awe.

"It would have if I had bought it." She said smiling warmly.

"Would have bought it? How did you get it then..." He asked concerned.

"It belong to my father." She said looking away, afraid he would reject it because it was second hand.

"You brought it with you during your flight from Ferelden?" She nodded still looking away. "Are you sure you want me to have it?" She nodded again, her head still hung. She felt him shift next to her and and closed her eyes as his fingers slid along her jaw, hooked around her chin, and turned her head making her look at him. "Then I am honored two fold." he told her. His eyes were deep, serious, and passionate. She thought for a moment her would kiss her, she would not know however. The clinic's door burst open and two elven dock workers rushed in carrying a badly wounded third between them. She relinquished his attentions and slipped back to her estate via the Amell cellar, leaving him to save someone as was his gift. On the walk home she thought of all the times he had saved her and waited for him to return to her that night.

The city burned around them as mages and templars alike prepared to go to war with one another. The whole of her companions stood around her waiting for her judgement. Anders sat on a crate in front of her slightly slouching as he always did when not standing. Hawke started to breath heavily on her way to hyperventilation. They could honestly expect ts of her, she had lost everything her father, mother, Bethany, and Carver; even Bodahn had told her he and Sandal were leaving to Orlais. She couldn't do this, couldn't kill one of the most important people she had left. She looked down at Anders who wouldn't even turn and look at her. Mage or not, "Abomination" or not, murderer or not, she could not kill him. "Anders you once told me I'd never be alone because I had you. Was that a lie?"

Anders' shoulders dropped further. "No I didn't, but sacrifices need to be made. Know that it is you I'll miss most...even over my own life. I love you."

Fenris growled behind her and she heard Sebastian speak. "If I had been in that Chantry, would you be waffling now?"

Hawke did him the benefit of stopping to think about it, but could come to no clearer a conclusion. Sebastian was a very close friend and she had come to love him, but he had shunned her for his holy vows. For quite a time after that she had been a woman scorned. "Yes I would." She said plainly to the surprised archer. "Think of your love for Elthina, could you kill her? This is hard enough without you lot badgering me!" She snapped her light silver eyes going wider with panic.

Taking a deep breath she removed her knife from belt; she had helped him that day in the Chantry, this was her sin as much as his, now they both had to deal with the consequences. She extended her arm over his shoulder and the bodies of the people around her practically hummed with anticipation over her decision. Taking a deep shaking breath she took with it the responsibility for her part in the situation and dropped the knife to Anders' feet.

"We will both have to take responsibility for our actions. I helped you do this , now you will help me fix it. You will not die by my hand, my love, but do not make me regret my decision." She stood, back straight and shoulders set.

The others erupted behind her in mixed response but she heard none of it as Anders stood in front of her. He was all that mattered, she could not kill him anymore then she could kill herself for what they had done. They would atone for it and, this battle willing, they would live together. Even a life on the run with him would be worth more then a life alone after killing him.


End file.
